Lately I've been having some interesting discussions with a male friend. He's a fellow ballroom dancer who is way better than I am but he still says he enjoys dancing with me. We also spend a lot of time on the phone, talking. He has a way of asking questions that makes me think, and then think again. Now, I don't normally spend a lot of time on introspection, so I don't usually come to the same conclusions he does. He thinks he knows me better than I know myself. *eye roll*
A few weeks ago, he started suggesting I should make more of my looks by wearing make-up. I don't wear any and have been quite comfortable this way. My mother didn't wear any and it just seems normal to me. I think I look okay without it so I haven't given it any thought in a long time. Plus, since I have little experience with it, I'm not very good at applying it. But, I decided to give it a try - a little foundation, blush, light brown eye shadow and mascara - still trying to keep it as natural looking as possible. Went to a dance and quite honestly I didn't feel any different. I asked him that night when we were talking on the phone whether he noticed my make-up. The slight hesitation before he answered told me he never noticed. LOL To my way of thinking that just proved my point, but of course he answered, yes. *snort* Sure he did.
Well, anyway, I did the make-up thing again for the next dance I attended and surprisingly got asked for a date. So now I'm thinking, hmmm, maybe this stuff really does work. The problem is that I've been raised to look beyond the surface of a person, so I rather hope that other people will too. Um, did I mention I'm an optimist? Well, I thought the date went well, but he must not have thought so because I haven't been called back for a second one. At least I had a good time. *grin*
So last night this friend and I were talking about west coast swing and he wanted to know if I would learn some of the sexy moves in west coast swing. I'm thinking probably not because I don't like to see that overt sexuality on the dance floor. It seems inappropriate to me. You know, take it to the bedroom but don't do it in front of an audience. I'm not an exhibitionist. I'd prefer to be seen as a classy lady rather than a sexy one. Now if I was dancing with a special someone at home, yeah, I could do that. I'd love to do that. But while we dance really well together, this friend has made it clear he doesn't have romantic feelings for me and quite honestly, since both of our spouses died recently, neither of us is ready for a relationship. So friends we are, just friends.
But all of this got me to thinking about women who get involved with controlling men. I've always thought I wouldn't be vulnerable to it, but I've begun to see how, with his subtle questions designed to make me doubt myself, I started changing my behavior (wearing make-up) and questioning my self-image (wondering about my "sex appeal"). However, I think if you see it happening it is possible to avoid the trap. And after all I've experienced in my life, I refuse to allow a man to erode what self-confidence I do have.
While it might be splitting hairs, I would have to say that while I don't feel sexy (and never have) I do feel very sensual. I like to touch and be touched. That's probably why I enjoy ballroom dancing so much because you are always touching your partner. I just realized that's why I love the moments when I'm dancing that I can close my eyes and trust my partner to lead me anywhere and everywhere. *sigh* Oh yes, I may not be sexy, but I am sensual.
PS for my reading buddies out there: That's probably why I enjoy Nalini Singh's changelings so much, I love the idea of "skin privileges".